Last night as I was falling to sleep I wrote a whole blog post. It was really good. When I awoke all the words were gone. Of course my best work would be done while I am half asleep. :)
I haven't been able to write for months. It has always been so much a part of me and how I process life. But now I just sit and stare at blank pages. All the words have left me...well most of them, or at least the ones that might just be worth sharing.
I teeter between moving on from what happened 6 months ago and feelings of anger. Mostly I have moved on and I feel good. But there are days. Days where I still can't believe how life flipped upside down. There are days that I am pissed and I can't believe that a church, the body of Christ would do what they did.
And then there are the days that I remember about forgiveness. I have to go back to the truth on the days were it never will make sense. I have to remember that Forgiveness is choosing to accept the blood of Jesus as full payment for what my offender did.
I want to be strong in my faith. I want to say that all is good and I have left the past and the hurt completely behind me. But it would be a lie to not admit that I still struggle.
Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make some of the hurt fade a bit. It's still there. I doubt it will ever go away entirely. I am a broken person. Broken in ways that I wasn't before. It will be harder for me to trust certain types of people now. It will be hard not to view everything through a grid of what happened and worrying that I am going to be judged for everything I say and do. I am going to struggle with being who God created me to be, because that just wasn't accepted before.
I stopped writing for a long time because any of the few words I did have would sound negative. I don't want to be that person. I love to laugh. I am a quiet, serious person who laughs a lot. I don't want to be the one to bring people down. But I think this, this is a starting place for me. It will get better. Maybe I will get better and the words will be there again.
My heart is not made of stone and I am not bitter. Just broken and shaken a bit.
Tonight it's just me writing, honest, unedited, uncensored.
I want to come back...
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Ps 30:5
I haven't been able to write for months. It has always been so much a part of me and how I process life. But now I just sit and stare at blank pages. All the words have left me...well most of them, or at least the ones that might just be worth sharing.
I teeter between moving on from what happened 6 months ago and feelings of anger. Mostly I have moved on and I feel good. But there are days. Days where I still can't believe how life flipped upside down. There are days that I am pissed and I can't believe that a church, the body of Christ would do what they did.
And then there are the days that I remember about forgiveness. I have to go back to the truth on the days were it never will make sense. I have to remember that Forgiveness is choosing to accept the blood of Jesus as full payment for what my offender did.
I want to be strong in my faith. I want to say that all is good and I have left the past and the hurt completely behind me. But it would be a lie to not admit that I still struggle.
Time does not heal all wounds, but it does make some of the hurt fade a bit. It's still there. I doubt it will ever go away entirely. I am a broken person. Broken in ways that I wasn't before. It will be harder for me to trust certain types of people now. It will be hard not to view everything through a grid of what happened and worrying that I am going to be judged for everything I say and do. I am going to struggle with being who God created me to be, because that just wasn't accepted before.
I stopped writing for a long time because any of the few words I did have would sound negative. I don't want to be that person. I love to laugh. I am a quiet, serious person who laughs a lot. I don't want to be the one to bring people down. But I think this, this is a starting place for me. It will get better. Maybe I will get better and the words will be there again.
My heart is not made of stone and I am not bitter. Just broken and shaken a bit.
Tonight it's just me writing, honest, unedited, uncensored.
I want to come back...
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Ps 30:5
2 comments:
I can definitely understand how you feel. I often have times where I just want to pour out all my thoughts and anger into a post. While the feelings of hurt and anger are real and need to be released, I end up neglecting to actually publish those posts for similar reasons that you gave. The joy definitely comes in the morning (not always the morning we want it to be)- but it does come. :-)
Your blog is a beautiful space. Full of life and truth. Thank you for being open and sharing this part of your heart.
I don't know what exactly happened with you but I think i can understand. Our family was headed overseas to the mission field and that door was shut for us too. And a church hurt us deeply. It does take time. And a daily choice to forgive.
It took us a while to find our new path. It felt like a train wreak for a while. Like I didn't even know how to find the track again. It was a mess. Thank God for His grace!
Your photos are beautiful and i am enjoying catching up and seeing how your children have grown.
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