Loosening the chains

The words pierced to the marrow and made me catch my breath.

"Who would you be if you didn't hold on to fear?"

For as long as I can remember. It's always been there.

Suddenly the picture became clear.  The thing that had held me in prison all these years, and yet until that moment I never even knew of my bondage, in that moment I saw those four walls and the bars that kept me prisoner inside.

It had become so familiar, so close, like an old friend, that you hardly remember your first introduction to. Every decision I made was based off of, and almost every word I did or did not speak to others was because of this.  Without even realizing it, I let it whisper in my ear and be a voice of reason in my life.  Not until recently was I able to even able to put a name to it.

Fear.

If you had asked me years ago, I never in a million years would have said that I was a fearful person. What did I have to be afraid of, I trust God...

There really isn't one thing that I can pin it to,  I  guess it's a bunch of small things that helped me see the path that I was on.  It was like one day the scales just fell off my blind eyes, and I stood starring into the face of something I recognized but could hardly believe. That's because fear was so deep-seated that I hardly realized it's effect and presence in my life.

I know it most likely started when I was a little girl.  Though I did not have the most horrific childhood, there were things that happened, very hard, life altering things that installed fear. And that was only the beginning.

I have always been afraid of what others thought.  I have always put more value on their opinion, then dare I say, at times even God's.  I strived all these years to please man, to say and do the right thing so as not to be rejected.  All the years we spent in our former Church, I tired to do everything I could to please them (I didn't actually try to be fake, I believed what I said, but I know there were things I said and did just to get their approval.).  Fear didn't originate from that Church, however the unhealthy relationship we had with leadership certainly didn't help.  It didn't help to have them reinforce that fear, by making us feel that nothing we did was ever good enough (not in regards to salvation...just in regards to what it takes to serve the Lord).

In the end you never win when you strive to please man and live in fear, you just don't.

Within the past year, when everything fell apart with our former Church, fear was right there to rear it's ugly head.  Fear was there to take my hand, stroke it and whisper lies.  Lies I chose to believe. I was hurt and broken and rejected, so it was the perfect opportunity.

I have always been honest in my relationships with people.  I am usually upfront about my struggles and failures (if you've read my blog for any length of time, you would know that).  Where I have a hard time not putting up walls is to leadership in the Church, to people I feel have the power to decide my future.  I understand that in ministry your life and actions will be more scrutinized, there is more accountability so that you do not lead others astray, I get that, and I know it is healthy and right.  However, I think it can be taken too far and leadership can eventually hamper someone from obeying what God has called them to do.

I digress...

All this to say, fear has played a huge role in my life.  I never felt totally free to be who God created me to be.  Never fully free to say what was on my heart.  Never free to ask questions. And the fear that held me in bondage seemed to tighten it's grip on me over the past year, to the point where it caused anxiety and discouragement. It caused me at some points to lose hope... Things got worse for me before the light was turned on. Struggling in the darkness for so long, made the light of the truth almost blinding.

So when I stood with the light shining on, and exposing the fears in my life, and the prison doors open, I had a choice. I could choose to remain in those four walls, or I could walk out trusting the Lord with my life.  At that point the choice was easy.

I have no doubt that there will be times when I just want to run into the comfort and familiarity of those four walls, but I am ready to be free.

It's time to live in truth.  Time to be who God has called me to be.  Time to be brave.

It's time to move on.

No more fear.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?" Psalm 56:3-4

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

Oh the freedom there is to let those chains go, a weight lifted, and a light heart left to serve the Lord where He has called me...